As a therapist who treats child and adolescent anxiety, I am often asked, “Why is my child so much more anxious than other kids?” The factors that contribute to anxious tendencies are varied and complex, but a closer look at how we define anxiety and evaluate risk often sheds light on why some kids seem to be afraid of everything while others appear to be fearless.

What is Anxiety?

Anxiety is our body’s way of preparing us to respond to threats in our environment.

Picture a deer grazing in a forest. It hears a sudden rustling sound nearby. Without even thinking about it, the deer's brain kicks into survival mode. It recognizes that the rustling could be a potential threat and immediately enters a state of heightened alertness. The deer's pupils dilate, allowing it to see more clearly, and its muscles tense up, preparing it for a quick getaway, if needed. The deer turns its ears in the direction of the sound to get a better sense of what's going on. The deer might bolt and run, or it might cautiously investigate to determine whether there is a real danger present.

This instinctive response to changes in the environment, picked up by the deer’s senses, is an important survival mechanism that helps the deer survive.

Real vs. Imagined Threats

While mammals, such as the deer, can respond only to ‘in-the-moment’ threats, human beings have the added ability to respond to imagined threats.

Imagine a dark, wet night in the middle of a snowstorm. 23-year-old Lexi and her friends are craving ice cream. Given the stormy weather, icy roads, and dark streets, Lexi and her peers can imagine a full range of potential factors when considering whether or not to make a run for ice cream.

The roads are being plowed and salted
There have been icy-road warnings on the news.
They have other snacks in the apartment.
There are no snow tires on the car.

Being able to imagine and consider all of the possibilities allows them to make the best decision possible, given the circumstances.

So, while it's not great to constantly worry, being able to imagine negative or dangerous scenarios can actually come in handy sometimes. By picturing both best and worst-case scenarios, Lexi and her peers can properly evaluate the potential risk of running to the store in the middle of a storm.

Evaluating the Good, The Bad and The Ugly

Assuming that we can effectively evaluate both best- and worst-case scenarios by accurately evaluating the likelihood and benefits of each, there’s no problem at all. In fact, this is the foundation of good decision-making.

However, in order to make good decisions, we need to be able to determine which possibilities are truly likely and which are less likely to occur (how likely am I to get into an accident while driving on icy roads during a storm?). We also need to be able to effectively evaluate the relative benefit of each possibility (Just how good will that ice cream be?).

Let’s go back to that dark, stormy night. If it were you considering all the possible outcomes of a quick run to the grocery store for ice cream, you might consider the following:

Safety: Is it safe to drive on icy roads? Are there any hazards or obstacles on the way to the grocery store that could make driving difficult or dangerous?
Necessity: Is it really necessary to go out for ice cream right now, or can it wait until conditions are better? Is there anything else that can be used as a substitute for ice cream in the meantime?
Urgency: How important is it to have ice cream right now? Is there a time-sensitive reason why it needs to be purchased immediately, or is it more of a want than a need?
Distance: How far away is the grocery store? Is it close enough to make the trip worth it, or would it be a long, potentially dangerous journey?

High Value/Low Value

Any one person considering these factors might come up with a different answer than any other person making the same calculation. For those who assign a low value to the hazards of driving on icy roads, or believe it to be unlikely that they will lose control of their car, the trip to the grocery store might seem like an excellent idea. If they also assign a high value to eating ice cream right now, they are even more likely to make the drive.

For someone who assigns a high value to the risks of driving on iced-over roads (they believe it is very risky)or who can easily envision his car sliding through a stop sign (they believe it is very likely), a run for ice cream may seem like a very risky venture and would best be saved for another day.

And here is where we tend to see the differences between more anxious and less anxious individuals. Anxious folks tend to believe that there is a greater likelihood of something going wrong than those who are less anxious. To complicate things, anxious folks tend to believe that when something goes wrong, it will go verywrong. Contrast this with those who don’t have anxiety—who will tend to believe that when something goes wrong, it won’t be quite as bad and their anxious counterpart believes.

Understanding Anxious Kids

Because anxious children view negative events as highly probable and highly unpleasant or dangerous, they may experience intense feelings of fear or worry that their non-anxious peers do not experience. These feelings can be so overwhelming that they may become preoccupied with avoiding potential harm, even if the true likelihood of it occurring is relatively low.

To make matters worse, anxious children may not feel as motivated to pursue positive outcomes because they see them as less likely or not as valuable. This can lead to a lack of interest or enthusiasm for new experiences and an aversion to taking risks.

As a result, anxious children may be more likely to pursue the safer, more cautious route, avoiding situations that could be perceived as risky or uncertain. While this approach may help them feel more in control and less anxious in the short term, it may also limit their opportunities for growth and development in the future. By avoiding anxiety-provoking situations, anxious children have fewer opportunities to experience the situations that they are afraid of and are denied the opportunity to challenge their beliefs.

Let’s Meet Alex

Alex is a 6-year-old child who is afraid of dogs. Several weeks ago, Alex overheard his neighbor telling a story about a dog who bit someone. Being an anxious kiddo, Alex now believes that if he gets near a dog, he is probably going to get bitten, be seriously injured and die.

Because of this, Alex avoids situations where he might encounter dogs. He refuses to go to the park or take walks in the neighborhood, even if invited by friends or accompanied by his parents. He also avoids visiting family members or friends who have dogs, because he fears being bitten or attacked.

In addition to his fear of individual dogs, Alex has also developed fears of very unlikely scenarios. For example, he worries that a pack of dogs might suddenly appear out of nowhere and attack him. Alex's anxiety around dogs is causing him to avoid things he wants to do and limits his opportunities for social interaction and physical activity.

Assigning a high value to unlikely events is a common feature of anxiety. Anxious kids often have a tendency to overestimate the likelihood of negative outcomes and underestimate the likelihood of positive outcomes. In Alex's case, his fear of dogs is based on a combination of actual risk (e.g., some dogs can be dangerous) and an overestimation of the likelihood and severity of negative outcomes. He is assigning a high value to the possibility of a negative outcome, even if it's unlikely to happen.

Message for Parents

While it is important that parents of anxious children help them recognize when their fears are based on unlikely scenarios and encourage them to challenge these thoughts with evidence-based reasoning, it is crucial for parents to develop a deeper understanding of their anxious child.

Anxious children have developed thinking patterns that lead them to believe that unlikely scenarios are likely, and that not-too-bad outcomes will be awful. We cannot ask them to simply “unthink” these thoughts or try to reason them out of their fears. As their trusted adults, we must first approach them with understanding and validation.

Helping a child to face their fears by providing validation and your firm belief that they can cope is the start of moving an anxious child forward. As the adult in your child’s life, you can help your child move through their fears by first providing understanding and validation.

When Anxiety Strikes: Why Some Kids Are More Anxious Than Others